Another regret or I must do better?

I spend my time thinking, what happened to that week? Did I achieve all I wanted? What am I doing next week?

Two weeks in and I've contemplated so much this week. My emotions seemed to have been all over the place, however I've taken time for myself and continue to tell myself, that I can't do everything and that list will never be completed but it's ok.

I started the week on an all day course, which you would think would be great (especially the food), however this completely throws me off. I panic about the work being left, will it get completed the way I want it to or will I have to pick up the pieces? I'm not a perfectionist, just a worrier. It must be something inside me that goes into overdrive and I have to tell myself that they (my class) can cope without me for one day.

The course was extremely informative and I took a lot from it. It made me realise that I can always learn more and there are things I do which I can change. You always come away from these courses and think I can implement that into my classroom, they don't always turn out like that though.

I had another course on the Wednesday afternoon and I did feel that this didn't meet my expectations. This made me feel slightly annoyed because I think about what I could have achieved at school. I suppose you take from something depending on how much you put into it.

With this training taking place, it's felt like an up and down week. I also had an observation from my mentor and again I'd built myself up with worry that I wasn't doing things correctly and that I can be better. I just really want to pass this year. I obviously do want to be a teacher and I've worked really hard for this. I'm just not sure I see longevity. I'm not sure I can do anything else, or have the confidence to retrain...again. Again the pressure I put myself under. Why do I do it to myself?

Also this week, my class started practicing our dance for a festival at the end of the term. Four lessons to go and the dance is, somewhat interesting. I did feel quite empowered choreographing a dance and then watching the children perform it back to me. I have to remember that a lot of children are not in their comfort zone (as well as the teacher) however I still want it to be fun and it's only three minutes. So fingers crossed that it comes together. What can possibly go wrong?

The week ended with all the children dressing up for 'World Book Day' and they all looked great. Although, I was in an awful mood and just wasn't feeling it. This is when I reflect and think, this was special to them and I've let them down and definitely could have tried that little bit harder. Letting my personal feelings intrude is a fault of mine. I definitely express myself too much. I need to wear a disguise and stop revealing so much of the real. We are only human after all and maybe I have to stop pretending. I'm me and I wear my heart on my sleeve.

Another regret or I must do better?

So, I do need to prepare a few things for next week. I'm hoping it won't take too long and before I know it we will be half way through this term and it will be Easter. I can eat some (lots) of chocolate again and really start to think about the summer and my holiday to Australia. Exciting!!

Let's see what next week brings.

Steve Maull. An NQT